While the song with the same title is soothing and charming, the dreams I’ve been having for the past 2 days have been anything but.
Sunday night I had a dream that I was on a road trip with some friends and my father. It was some forest reserve and we were inside a big SUV. We went to a waterfall to have a great time splashing about in the forest. This particular waterfall was supposedly located near my father’s hometown in Pahang.
Then it was about time to leave and we had to climb up as the car was located above the waterfall. We all climbed up safely and then for some reason which I can’t remember, my father walked towards the edge of the waterfall and fell off the cliff. We all rushed to the edge of the fall, peering down to see where he was.
I saw him at the bottom of the fall, so we rushed down again. Strange thing was, it was a pretty high fall, and although he was lifeless, the body looked perfectly alright (cant remember whether he died or just fainted lah). We quickly carried him up the trail and back to our SUV.
We proceeded to drive out of the jungle and were back on the trunk road when suddenly the car just died. We went out to check on the car, but we were unsure why it died off.
We then decided to walk off to look help, maybe finding the nearest place where we could make a phone call. Left my father’s unconscious / lifeless body in the car while we walked together.
While we were walking down the long stretch of road flanked by rubber plantations, my alarm rang. And I woke up, feeling dumbfounded. Strange thing was that throught that whole dream, I was checking myself to see if it was a dream. Playing at the falls felt so real, I could hear the water gush down. The jungle and rubber plantation sounded so alive. The only thing was my lack of feelings. I was devoid of emotion. I didn’t know if I was happy at the falls. Nor did I feel anything like worry, or sad when something happened to my father. It was like I was just a robot in this dream.
Its just weird cause I was so emotionally detached in this dream despite everything feeling so real.
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My second dream was a totally different experience. While it also felt very real, this was very emotional for me. Here, I was surfing on a few pages of my friends on FB when I noticed something they all had in common.
On their wall was a posting of my ex, who had started a photography business. She was doing really well and seemed happy with her success (I wasn’t in her friends list so I couldn’t see her profile). We have plenty of friends in common so I could see how well she was doing.
I was feeling very proud that she had managed to make her dream come true, knowing she was extremely into photography.
Next moment I was at the airport with another friend of mine and I could see posters of her at the airport, like some superstar photographer. Then at that moment I saw her in the departure hall. She talked to my friend (another common friend we had) when I left for the loo.
When I was approaching both of them, wanting to say hi and congratulate her, she saw that I was coming and bade my friend farewell. So I walked over and talked to my friend, wondering why she avoided me.
After sending my friend off, as I was walking back thru the terminal, I almost bumped into her. She saw me and quickly turned away, walking away from her group of friends that were waiting for her. I picked up my pace and walked right up beside her and said hi.
She looked around to see if any1 was looking and said hi. I said I was really happy for her achievements but wondered why she looked like she was avoiding me. She just mentioned to me coolly that she doesn’t any1 to see that we were together. I asked her if she was ashamed to be seen with me. She just kept quiet and told me that I should not ever tell any1 I know her. She wished me goodbye and farewell and quickly walked off to her group of friends. She then said goodbye to them and disappeared into the departure hall.
It was then I woke up in the middle of the night. It was about 4 something 5am. I just sat up stared at wall and wondered, where did it all go wrong? I’m also thinking what I have done that even I had to dream about it. I thought that I would have moved on by now, but apparently this dream still kind of affected me. I mean, I won’t deny we used to be together, no matter whether it ended well or not.
And even if I have moved on she still was part of what made me who I am today. For that I’m glad for the times we had. But still, this dream was bugging me the whole day. The fact that I must have been so terrible that she had to hide her past with me.
I’m actually more bothered about the fact that I must be really a terrible person that any1 doesn’t want to associate themselves with me. Not just her, but every1 else. Wasted my entire day thinking how that is possible. Do I have the “Ignorant American idol” syndrome? The syndrome where u think you are good because your friends and family tell you all the time you are good. But in reality, you totally suck and by the time you find out, its gonna be a real “malu” case for you.
Its strange that I used to be full of confidence about 3 years ago. Maybe up to the point of being obnoxiously confident about myself and my abilities. These few years’ experiences have not only humbled me, but to a certain extent, I’m not even confident of myself anymore. I second guess myself all the time. I have a lack of confidence. Maybe all these years of thinking how good of a person I am has failed me. And to realize that you are not good enough hurts. And I am now over-compensate. I’m bending my back ever since I started working. I’ve been doing lots of listening, trying to understand, help myself and help others. But still as of today, I don’t feel like king of the world.
Today, I feel like the guy who just realized he’s not king of the world, and staring up at the person on the winner’s podium.
Boodyboy, out!!
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